In their shadow (excerpt-14)

 

There was something so ominous in the air; even the hair on my arm stood up. Unnaturally I languished for a huge swallow of high value tawny whiskey in a short glass at room temperature and a bar stool with music as part of the ambiance. Something decades earlier in my unsophisticated thinking might have considered, yet I ignored that urge and moved onward. Having quickly deduced it wouldn’t really have that unrefined placebo effect these days not to mention, I didn’t have any.

A few steps into the our bedroom suddenly felt unwelcoming in the moment I found her sitting on the bed, drinking with her head turned away as if she was angry- again. Smoke from her burning cigarette was filling the room heightened the suspense enough to stop me in my tracks. Before I could ask what was going on, her erratic sounds muffled in a broken voice of words as her bloodshot glossy eyes caught my attention. Maybe instinctively they tried to lessened the message I was receiving as my own eyes grew heavy and looked downwardly as if I was just yoked with an overbearing burden. My thoughts were over taken by the resounding pounding of my heart as it thumped faster the more she informed me of her unsavory cheating guilt and ongoing hidden addiction. I’d forgotten what round it was for us on the drug and alcohol issue but the cheating was the most painful. I recall catching myself; pretending to seem astute to all she was saying as I looked through blurring eyes at who resembled my heart unequivocally loved- her. Maybe I was having an out of body experience or it was a failed attempt to retreat to a place I couldn’t find within myself.

Time flew by instantly but in a backwards cacophony of moments, places, events and conversations where my unquestioning trust epitomized what naive love really means and looks like; from a hindsight point of view, where my preferred bias ran interference to what should’ve been obvious back then. I loved her too much to hate her and yet hate was trying to consume me, take control anyways, so I turned it inwardly somehow. I was confused as to who to blame knowing I would accept a portion, but how much? Perhaps it was a last ditch effort to make it seem like the selfless thing to do. I tried vainly to quickly absorb its dark pain as fast as I could, rise above it all as if I was unscathed by it. Hours became days that became lost time in a subsistence realm. So much so I couldn’t see I had become anchored to it all. Little did I realize it was taking me deeper into a more profound vortex sense of uncharted ugliness. Polluting rhyme and reason so as to make my life an out of sync reality, further and further from my cognitive grasp until I was abandoned alone on an island of a new aberrational sense of normalcy. The emotional pain and truth didn’t get worse nor better, so I clung to it, fearfully- like a life preserver. I suppose in many ways it was at the time.

After all this time I’m still unlearned which was worse; the gut wrenching truth or inhuman lies being uttered from those lips that permitted me to believe I could degust bliss from them like an unearned gift. This is what happens when you love, I mean really love someone wholesomely with all your heart and soul. It unmistakably feels polemic to anything resembling the nature of love. Such a love doesn’t selfishly discard any further pain by parachuting from the relationship because fear shouts the plane is going down and now its every heart for themselves; at least not in my little bubble. I suspect its why most people couldn’t begin to even fathom the thought of allowing themselves to dare such an authentic venture into real vulnerability. To risk loosing even yourself through the heart and care of another is logically preposterous, unless you honestly intend for it to last forever, and all without the social safety net of some prenuptial agreement to pretentiously save you from…a haunted heart.

Poet of the Light © 2019

Destitute

 

The ruins, they run deep

Like hollowed caverns

That still echo- anguish

Faintly in cold whispers

On the cusp of hearing

Tauntingly to the mind

Like extra dark shadows

That follow you behind

Hair on your neck, spiked

Notice of dropped temps

Heighten every step forth

Yes, these are the places

Where love once flowed

With the warmth of love

Before you abandoned it

As our own lover eclipse

For all the world to see

To softly gasp and envy

Now, no one even cares

In coming out to venture

To visit the state of…my heart

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Oppositeness

 

Love is a dangerous luxury

We oft lose in casual choices

Falsely believing, we own it

Liken an old watch we wear

When and if we’re feeling so

Ignorant that they can both

Suddenly just turn on a dime

Or simply…not turn for us at all

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Susceptible

 

For such an acute mason, you’d

Think I’d use reinforcement

But, I’ll gather up the fallen bricks

Clean them, ready again their use

 

Knowing in time tomorrow, I will

Once again lay them- all

In fresh mud and my blood

Build up these my crimson walls

 

To protect my heart and soul

So- as to keep you at bay

And I will give in, relinquish

To my acing hearts bleeding whim

 

Dismissive of scars, left my heart

Every time you come back to…visit

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Almost there

 

She left-

And if that wasn’t bad enough

I started felling as if

I was a bad memory that

Didn’t appear in her rear view mirror

I still see, those tail light leave

Somethings gone wrong

Time is going backwards

Even my heart questions the beats

I always thought, we had a future

She always said; now that I think of it

I was someone her mother warned of

I’m not sure how that, if at all

Has anything to do with this

She woke up like a storm

Out of the blue

On a sunny morning

and then all of a sudden

The rain starting pouring

Someday, is never going to come

Someday, was just- an illusion

No future, no past- guessing

I finally made it to some place at last

Just me locked in retreating time

She escaped everything but my mind

Never going to kiss her lips, again

Not like I did in those moments

When those moments were in the present

When I was everything, she wanted

How can I live- like this;

If living life walked away in her breath?

Somewhere between here and her

Everything that ever was

Existed in- all she is

Everything turned sour

And I still feel drenched in- everything

Her

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Aftermath~ They will come:

 

There are those we meet

Who befriend us, our trust

Some join us in fellowship

Others merely following observers

In our chapters- treks our life journey

Some may become more like family

No matter where we are in our life

They will come, most assuredly

They can appear and go unnoticed

Some will stand out by reason

Some will aid to our comfort

Some will aid in our understanding

Some will aid us, unwittingly

Until long after they’ve left

Some leave an indelible marks

Some will leave unrelenting scars

In our every thought, like traps

All this and choices, shape us

Forming our bonds or broken binds

Some of us become stronger, endure

Some of us will become wiser

Still some of us retreat and hide

Recognizing signs of a storm to come

Mitigating chances of damage responsibly

Those who choose to be invective

beyond any playful joking- project

They’re also those who are most unhappy

They want to share in our joys- sorta

Become like we are with others

They want to become permanent

In all that we do, we share willingly

But, they seem to want to sabotage us

So as to sabotage that connection

That tether of unadulterated trust

We so freely gift, offer from our heart

From their passive aggressive behaviors

That first bite from a recoil of vile reaction

Starting from their biased accusations

Cloaked in their defensive opinion

Which they further qualify by evidence

Of your personal interactions with others

Pointing out your flaws, pale judgments

They tend to want to slowly strip you

From yourself, remold your chosen values

Until we’ve mirrored theirs, perfectly

Know now, they will surely come

Count carefully the friends you love~

Entitlement’ in the name of “friendship

Oh! what a most sewn deceitful weave

Its never about being friends, not really

Its about their inner self, unresolved pain

Dripping in bloodied specious rhetoric

Void of discretion, or friendly decorum

They are lead by a dark agenda, unknown

Which is why they’ll victimize…anyone

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Bottled ships

 

All those tawny streams I drown in

Never took me any place I wanted

Maybe the vessels were too small

To carry away all- I needed to forget

 

She was a lovers dream come true

Until she lovered me and another too

And my dream became a nightmare

I couldn’t live with or without her

 

So I went smooth sailing each night

In a dream I could handle, sort of

Long enough until I passed out of sight

As those warm ripples soothed my heart

 

One day, I’ll break away, from this horizon

And her memory will leave me…forgotten

 

Poet of the Light © 2019