Dearest child

 

When life feels of a void

And you notice my missed voice

Take heart my dear one, not to cry

Unless you feel, you really must

My absence isn’t by disgust

Know I’m doing just fine

And you’re never forgotten

Just like the touch of the sun

Sometimes I will come or hide

Off walking on fresh fallen snow

That comes in flurries like feathers

Sifted from playful moments of pillows

Oh! a season ofmy white ash stroll

Just as I was, always destined to

Long before God made me, then you

But when life has you down

And darkness reins over in clouds

Remember I’m still there

Clasping you hand like my child

Always left within your clasp

Just simply- look deeply

Into your daughter eyes

See all the galaxies of life

The colors how the coalescent

Giving her sight, acting as a guide

In her every breath of words

In her love and childish rebellion

Where if you listen, you hear mine too

Recalling those moments- with you

Look at her authentic smiles

So hardy, in all her laughter’s

Never broken, nor painted on after

Parts of mine- are there, hidden

Somewhere within a shape of her grin

Along with traits- from you and I

Tethering all of us, within folds of love

So when the times comes, you’ll show how

If you hold her close, feel her heart beats

Those echoes are also me- speaking

Whispering soulfully to you both;

How much I miss and love you

And within the sound of her song

Will be parts of your carried along

And as she grows, becomes a woman

You will see and teach, to her

All theses feeling and whispering words

No mater how far you may seem

That one day- even she can find you

In her children, embracing our memory’s

She do just fine, even if you too are absent

But not in disgust, completing a purpose

Of living love in waiting of her as well

Strolling a winters-cape, beside me

I Love you, always…Daddy

 

Poet of the Light© 2019

In their shadow (excerpt-14)

 

There was something so ominous in the air; even the hair on my arm stood up. Unnaturally I languished for a huge swallow of high value tawny whiskey in a short glass at room temperature and a bar stool with music as part of the ambiance. Something decades earlier in my unsophisticated thinking might have considered, yet I ignored that urge and moved onward. Having quickly deduced it wouldn’t really have that unrefined placebo effect these days not to mention, I didn’t have any.

A few steps into the our bedroom suddenly felt unwelcoming in the moment I found her sitting on the bed, drinking with her head turned away as if she was angry- again. Smoke from her burning cigarette was filling the room heightened the suspense enough to stop me in my tracks. Before I could ask what was going on, her erratic sounds muffled in a broken voice of words as her bloodshot glossy eyes caught my attention. Maybe instinctively they tried to lessened the message I was receiving as my own eyes grew heavy and looked downwardly as if I was just yoked with an overbearing burden. My thoughts were over taken by the resounding pounding of my heart as it thumped faster the more she informed me of her unsavory cheating guilt and ongoing hidden addiction. I’d forgotten what round it was for us on the drug and alcohol issue but the cheating was the most painful. I recall catching myself; pretending to seem astute to all she was saying as I looked through blurring eyes at who resembled my heart unequivocally loved- her. Maybe I was having an out of body experience or it was a failed attempt to retreat to a place I couldn’t find within myself.

Time flew by instantly but in a backwards cacophony of moments, places, events and conversations where my unquestioning trust epitomized what naive love really means and looks like; from a hindsight point of view, where my preferred bias ran interference to what should’ve been obvious back then. I loved her too much to hate her and yet hate was trying to consume me, take control anyways, so I turned it inwardly somehow. I was confused as to who to blame knowing I would accept a portion, but how much? Perhaps it was a last ditch effort to make it seem like the selfless thing to do. I tried vainly to quickly absorb its dark pain as fast as I could, rise above it all as if I was unscathed by it. Hours became days that became lost time in a subsistence realm. So much so I couldn’t see I had become anchored to it all. Little did I realize it was taking me deeper into a more profound vortex sense of uncharted ugliness. Polluting rhyme and reason so as to make my life an out of sync reality, further and further from my cognitive grasp until I was abandoned alone on an island of a new aberrational sense of normalcy. The emotional pain and truth didn’t get worse nor better, so I clung to it, fearfully- like a life preserver. I suppose in many ways it was at the time.

After all this time I’m still unlearned which was worse; the gut wrenching truth or inhuman lies being uttered from those lips that permitted me to believe I could degust bliss from them like an unearned gift. This is what happens when you love, I mean really love someone wholesomely with all your heart and soul. It unmistakably feels polemic to anything resembling the nature of love. Such a love doesn’t selfishly discard any further pain by parachuting from the relationship because fear shouts the plane is going down and now its every heart for themselves; at least not in my little bubble. I suspect its why most people couldn’t begin to even fathom the thought of allowing themselves to dare such an authentic venture into real vulnerability. To risk loosing even yourself through the heart and care of another is logically preposterous, unless you honestly intend for it to last forever, and all without the social safety net of some prenuptial agreement to pretentiously save you from…a haunted heart.

Poet of the Light © 2019

Insoluble

 

The sunlight has only just set

As I lay here in deafening silence

 

Between twilight and morning

I could feel the colors coming

On the crux of cold satin sheets

Where you once laid with me

Our love was born, for us, to hold

 

Birds are tweeting a new song

It doesn’t seem near as sweet at all

Almost like they’re mocking me

Because I never really do sleep

Every since winter fell, in August

 

Now I could pretend I’m over you

But how could I really fool, anyone else

When my heart never lets me forget

It will never forgive- my foolishness

Cause loving you, was how I hurt myself

 

By letting you in, so radically deep

My heart became broken…forever

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Destitute

 

The ruins, they run deep

Like hollowed caverns

That still echo- anguish

Faintly in cold whispers

On the cusp of hearing

Tauntingly to the mind

Like extra dark shadows

That follow you behind

Hair on your neck, spiked

Notice of dropped temps

Heighten every step forth

Yes, these are the places

Where love once flowed

With the warmth of love

Before you abandoned it

As our own lover eclipse

For all the world to see

To softly gasp and envy

Now, no one even cares

In coming out to venture

To visit the state of…my heart

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Gems

 

Some nuances we find in life

Stay forever seared in our mind

Akin the annunciation my name

Whenever her love- called it

 

She never knew, that I knew

How she gazed at me in mirrors

With her silent smiles and tears

Still gives me chills to this moment

 

Whenever I felt her love- flow

Beyond her resistance of control

She broke my heart so beautiful

And in so many spellbinding ways

 

Those keen quirks that made her- her

Took refuge; their place, here in my…heart

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Susceptible

 

For such an acute mason, you’d

Think I’d use reinforcement

But, I’ll gather up the fallen bricks

Clean them, ready again their use

 

Knowing in time tomorrow, I will

Once again lay them- all

In fresh mud and my blood

Build up these my crimson walls

 

To protect my heart and soul

So- as to keep you at bay

And I will give in, relinquish

To my acing hearts bleeding whim

 

Dismissive of scars, left my heart

Every time you come back to…visit

 

Poet of the Light © 2019