Category: depression

Used to

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I used to love the moon at night 
Now it just some overt reminder 
There are other stars in the sky 

I used to wade into the waters 
Before water drowned me in tears 
Now I just watch it all from afar 

I’ve become estranged to believing 
At least the kind I used to trust in
Wordless, truth spoke in the eyes 

I used to love all beautiful things
Old, broken or misused by others 
Long before my whole life changed 

I used to be honest down to my bones 
But now- I can’t tell if I’ll love a lie 
That smiles and whispers: I’m alone 

I used to respect and know myself 
Before getting used to … loving hell 

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Modulations

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They often asked what was bothering me
Rarely did I hear what they’re saying 
When they saw me stop cold and stare 
I was simply locked into a moment 
Suddenly triggered by something
In the air or just lying there in the silence
Time steals me back to that place called- us 
Before it crumbled into broken trust  
Goosebumps erupt over my skin 
Maybe the world is coming to an end 
Has the sun fallen for the moon’s shadow?
How could I know when I get like this?    
I don’t usually even realize 
Teardrops breaking from my eyes 
Or that my heart tries- escaping my chest 
Misbelieving you’ve returned to stay 
That you are sorry and want to change 
All I really know is there are fragments 
Of you and your essence at large and everlasting 
Admittedly, sometimes I don’t notice 
They have stopped asking me … anything   

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Anecdotic

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Mind not the shabby quarters I keep 
I admit fully, it wasn’t always this way
But this landscape has endured much 
As have I- serving as its lone steward 
I have crafted again renewed old walls
Out of loves cracked blocks of trust 
Many discolored with gaping holes 
Wrought with fingerprints of old lovers 
That have worn no shame nor blame 
In changing of their fashionable desires 
As they existed my heart in a cloud of dust
Offering me no questions or answers  
These tiny pieces of what laid strewn 
Became sidewalks my midnights use 
When ghost of their vacancies … tuck me in

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Non causa pro causa

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Points of views; professional or layman’s 
Can be deceiving and further distorting 
WE are all fallible at any given moment  
Dreams can be as inebriating as cathartic  
To vividly live beyond one’s own boundaries
Even in an imaginary bubble of sleep like 
Offer us insight we’ve unconsciously impeded 
Can create motivation to pursue past obstacles
Serve as a focus point and real sense of direction 
Unless- the dreams are beyond one’s ability
Beyond any practical means of achieving
Remember, the snowflake effect is actually real
And can just as easily burry us under context 
Well then, dreams become the drunken issue
Where we start living life only in dreams 
And stop paying attention to real opportunities 
Only to struggle in the real world, as a failure
A version of yourself, you play for everyone else 
Compounding, conflating and disorienting- us
Dreams are beautiful when realistic and honest
Or- like some drug filled life of disappointments
A means of sabotaging ourselves because we adopt 
Rational and reasoning from others; ignoring ours
Only to consume life, foolishly wasting it away 
By crossing over bridges of resentment and jealousy
Right after we torch the very foundation of them 
Conveniently inventing our excuses well in advance 
So much effort, for crumbs of someone else leftovers 
That, they may never even had wanted to begin with 
Remember that life is filled with bad accomplices 
Insecurely offering us cursory encouragements  
We must be our greatest arbiters, in every moment 
Not suggesting we settle for less than: achievable 
But we must identify our own true limitations  
Merely stating reality deserves our full integrity
And as such, shouldn’t we deserve our full attention? 
Be it about our finances, health, or introspection
Break the mirror, dare to shatter those illusions 
And have an unconditional conversation within 
I find, our duty: being the best self … we’ll accept 

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Mime

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It came to me far too easily it seems 
I missed all the signs I needed to know
Played along with whatever she told, me
I’m guilty, I fully admit I was naïve 
I gave everything that I was- to her 
But I was just a boy feeling loved  
At least as I understood what it was
She was life, she was beauty and more 
Her lips wore the taste of my future   
She promised me forever and a day 
But as of late, she been gone far too long
And those days just became months
But that was- years ago, last, I counted
Before all this bruising and confusion  
Back when I felt warmth and young
Now, I’m just a shadow of my former self   
Over there on the brighter side of love
I knew everything would be alright 
Here in dark silence, I don’t know… anymore 
. 
Poet of the Light © 2021

Epiphanies

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Epiphanies 

Like I know the back of my hand
I know more my palm’s significance 
Not only its core value and works 
But also, what does and doesn’t fit
Strictly speaking outside loves duty 
Albeit- many of times “close as it gets”
Seemed to be a one size fits all theme
But deep inside I knew silently better
Missing more with each passing day
Dissension was like a hidden plague  
Until I had to openly admit, honestly
Perfunctory; my overly burdened yoke 
Close was simply a bridge too far to go
Twas better integrity burn that bridge
Endure the reality of ashes and smoke  
Even if I was scorched myself in the end 
My palm lacked that true customize fit 
That true love bestows our human hearts
That- counterbalance to all of life’s strife
That smile found in background of a mirror 
And unquestionably all the same etiquette
That secretly awaits in my hands palm 
Psalms- my heart signs out rhythmically
As my soul embraces all it will ever need  
Love-  which my palm still itches … to gift       

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Pall

You wore me out then wore me down
So, I wished you away, now you’ve gone
Such vile things we say without a thought 
Forgetting injurious words can’t be undone 
Often, we lose those things we love most
I understand loss and lost all too well now
Transported within a blink of an eyelash   
No taste of joy dared enter my mouth 
That sudden course of shear bitterness 
Would’ve devoured it in less than a minute 
I shuddered as I reluctantly swallowed
News of reality as to what had happened 
Tears broke from my sadden eyes in horror 
And in a disbelief of what I was hearing 
This is not at all what my heart ever wanted
I’m so appalled if God listened that excerpt 
Out of all the things my ignorance has muttered 
I know I don’t have that kind of power myself 
I’ve affirmed it myself time and time again  
Cause I’ve wished you back, harder and harder
Not for myself- but all those you left behind 
Each time, from the very core of my being 
And in trust but to no avail- just- nothing 
I’ll never forgive that part of my humanity
Flawed and selfish, such cavalier speaking 
As if my bruised ego held some anointed right
And like some quickening to my knowledge 
Words written in red, reveal new meanings 
For me, twas like being struck by lightening
Out of the blue, and on a cloudless day
Not a single glimmer of silver thread present 
And yet, I recall feeling every drop of rain
Some were like sulfur that burned my skin   
Such an abrupt clinical voice informed me   
That word “expired” will forever be seared 
Into my ears like an unwanted harsh tone 
I’ll never acclimate to it, this much I know
I would’ve preferred it had been me instead
I genuinely cannot say honestly if this is 
My ego or my humanistic love … speaking  

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Microgravity

When what has been the most important 
Without warning has simply fallen away  
As if its own life- was abruptly extinguished
Definitions of all that still exist- changed  
Home itself, becomes very unrecognizable 
Understanding of your own image, altered 
Life suddenly feels unwantedly perplexing
All the rules of life seem to have dissipated 
Your nights and days become a forced journey
Storms you never heard of, very threatening  
Within foreign skies that are quickly fleeting
Even survival feels taunting and questionable   
Blindly seeking, stumbling, in cosmic drifting 
From one cold strange star to unknown others
As you spiral throughout a new dark universe 
Hoping to be pulled in orbit of a new … North Star 
.

Poet of the Light © 2021

Sentient

Like those meandering cold raindrops
Streaking to gravity on the outer glass
Beneath a sky lost and muted of color
That too often I perplexingly stare at  
I place my hand- against the inner pane 
And as hard as I try deep in my heart 
I can’t feel your warm presence anymore 
But God truly knows … I- I can feel the rain 

Poet of the Light © 2021