Reservedly

I do openly admit to selfishness

Not all my life has been so dark

Or series of misery after another

I’ve had my cherishable moments

In relationships, and successes

And because I so treasure them

I’ll rarely share them with others

They serve in part as beacons of hope

When all else seems to go wrong

They remind me of the possibilities

When I feel closed in by my walls

They are lifelines in human storms

That helps to maintain my sanity

They’ll be here… as comforting stars

Brainless

Did I look like a scarecrow

Whispers and wishes like cobwebs in my head

Who would’ve known, until it was far too late

After letting down my walls

After letting you get too close

Somehow, I know I should’ve known

I should’ve recognized the shadow

Standing on my own- darkness

I trusted, everything once again

Like the fool, I’ve always been

Whenever it came- to finding love

But finding I can still get broken

Who could’ve known

You had a hybrid heart… of deception

Outro

What hurts me the most

Is when we both really know

You break me down, for no reason

And you leave me suffering

Broken inside of- what’s left of me

Until I grow numb again

Until I’m beside myself- wondering

Why I can’t stop loving you

Why I try over and over to touch you

Somewhere inside all, you believe

But I only cry because I know it’s worthless

To give up everything I need to be

And defeat those doubts you see on me

Reflecting off my desperate tears

Your ugliness left… on a face of love

Illusionary

There are those who exist

From triumph to triumph

And never seem to ever slip

Others from moment to moment

Like an erratic rollercoaster ride

But I’ve subsisted somewhat

In-between my own tragedies

I was often most supportive

Of those who claimed all rewards

Only to be forgotten soon after

And much like fresh cut flowers

Vase- and placed for optical effect

Until my use became abhorrent

Tossed out as … trash unwanted

Conscientiously

An hour before every sunset

I’ll walk to the water’s edge

The evening breeze is blowing

And daylight is slowly crashing

Temperatures have started to fall

So, I take a seat on the bench

Watch schools of shadows swim

As waves rush from here and fro

Mirrored caps of light explode

Upon a swaying watery surface

Memories play on a hazy fabric

Voices sound like floating whispers

But all I can long for in my heart

Is one more last hour… in person

Hertogeneity

Photo by Rodolfo Quiru00f3s on Pexels.com

I may have been the next Holden Caulfield

But life intervened in a charitable fashion

That’s not to say that I hadn’t been affected

By things I experienced, witnessed, or lived

Clearly, I’d be one of the first to fully admit

People let you down, though it’s uncertain

If each time it was intentionally motivated

I error on the side of caution, to believe not

If I am truly the product of my environment

Who is it by name, to fault, to seek recompense?

What would any of that gain me now, so late;

A dying flower will still wilt away, will it not?

Rather than become an imaginary inky character

I became the outcome of myself… in real life

I’m loved

In more ways than can be counted

But not always for the right reasons

I don’t always recognize at the onset

Or how someone else might mean it

The first time they love me their way

It can make me feel lost and confused

Maybe cripple me with traumatic fear

Hidden as darker parts of my own self

That was always rejected by any love

Veiling new damages to my open heart

There is such a fine thin line in-between

What’s nefarious and the well-meaning

Even good intentions can be dangerous

If the gift is really designed… for profit

Peeks

Best laid plans are transitory

But sometimes I wish I could see

My future far enough to prepare

To readjust and remain on track

To know when to hold in place

When to walk away- ever silent

Know the best way to let it all go

Know who to trust with my heart

When to know when love is truth

There are empty-hearted people

Selling out love for any attention

But I ain’t one and will never be

I’ll see it through until the end

Even if in the end… it’s just me

Perspicuous

Like a colorless rainbow adrift

Long before I landed in winter

I loved akin a season of spring

I stood in cold breezes of despair

Sat through the hours of lonely

Watched the fog steal sunshine

Walked in rains in uncertainty

Swallowed all my broken pride

Still, my love would trudge on

Battered, bruised, and scarred

Despite all these things you do

Despite all the words you utter

I’m a ghost you’ve never known

Since you’ve never desired… love

Charade

You can’t rewrite history arbitrarily

Not without lying to yourself, daily

And in truth, there’s never closure

No such thing as moving forward

From damage caused by a narcissist

If there were, scars would be erased

My unflinching trust would exist

Moreover, an unsabotaged me- lives

Unfortunately, that’s not the case

I’m reminded in tiny ways of this

At times I awaken from tiredness

Or while attempting to live my life

Remnants will steal my continuity

You can lie to yourselves… but not me

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