In their shadow (excerpt-14)

 

There was something so ominous in the air; even the hair on my arm stood up. Unnaturally I languished for a huge swallow of high value tawny whiskey in a short glass at room temperature and a bar stool with music as part of the ambiance. Something decades earlier in my unsophisticated thinking might have considered, yet I ignored that urge and moved onward. Having quickly deduced it wouldn’t really have that unrefined placebo effect these days not to mention, I didn’t have any.

A few steps into the our bedroom suddenly felt unwelcoming in the moment I found her sitting on the bed, drinking with her head turned away as if she was angry- again. Smoke from her burning cigarette was filling the room heightened the suspense enough to stop me in my tracks. Before I could ask what was going on, her erratic sounds muffled in a broken voice of words as her bloodshot glossy eyes caught my attention. Maybe instinctively they tried to lessened the message I was receiving as my own eyes grew heavy and looked downwardly as if I was just yoked with an overbearing burden. My thoughts were over taken by the resounding pounding of my heart as it thumped faster the more she informed me of her unsavory cheating guilt and ongoing hidden addiction. I’d forgotten what round it was for us on the drug and alcohol issue but the cheating was the most painful. I recall catching myself; pretending to seem astute to all she was saying as I looked through blurring eyes at who resembled my heart unequivocally loved- her. Maybe I was having an out of body experience or it was a failed attempt to retreat to a place I couldn’t find within myself.

Time flew by instantly but in a backwards cacophony of moments, places, events and conversations where my unquestioning trust epitomized what naive love really means and looks like; from a hindsight point of view, where my preferred bias ran interference to what should’ve been obvious back then. I loved her too much to hate her and yet hate was trying to consume me, take control anyways, so I turned it inwardly somehow. I was confused as to who to blame knowing I would accept a portion, but how much? Perhaps it was a last ditch effort to make it seem like the selfless thing to do. I tried vainly to quickly absorb its dark pain as fast as I could, rise above it all as if I was unscathed by it. Hours became days that became lost time in a subsistence realm. So much so I couldn’t see I had become anchored to it all. Little did I realize it was taking me deeper into a more profound vortex sense of uncharted ugliness. Polluting rhyme and reason so as to make my life an out of sync reality, further and further from my cognitive grasp until I was abandoned alone on an island of a new aberrational sense of normalcy. The emotional pain and truth didn’t get worse nor better, so I clung to it, fearfully- like a life preserver. I suppose in many ways it was at the time.

After all this time I’m still unlearned which was worse; the gut wrenching truth or inhuman lies being uttered from those lips that permitted me to believe I could degust bliss from them like an unearned gift. This is what happens when you love, I mean really love someone wholesomely with all your heart and soul. It unmistakably feels polemic to anything resembling the nature of love. Such a love doesn’t selfishly discard any further pain by parachuting from the relationship because fear shouts the plane is going down and now its every heart for themselves; at least not in my little bubble. I suspect its why most people couldn’t begin to even fathom the thought of allowing themselves to dare such an authentic venture into real vulnerability. To risk loosing even yourself through the heart and care of another is logically preposterous, unless you honestly intend for it to last forever, and all without the social safety net of some prenuptial agreement to pretentiously save you from…a haunted heart.

Poet of the Light © 2019

Soulicide

 

O’ Lord, how my

Emotions have sinned

They wouldn’t listen

To me nor reason

Nor any argument, said

Like an animistic scholar

It knew better than to

Give pause to its pulse

Surrendering its all, freely

To a goddess of a flower

Surely one of my readers

Will dare to save me a seat

Amongst all the others

As a last ditch effort- to avoid

The crowding into…hell?

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Anamorphic

 

Who’d be the wiser anyways?

 

Brokenness becomes the whole

In a settlement to ones soul

 

The wear and tear of love

Often fray all the feelings

Of a persons dying heart

 

Bleeding hope seeps away

In clear streams of panes

As they slowly- suffocate

On crux of deaths threshold

 

Caring motivation is traded

For a daily numbing substance

In creation of a life of subsistence

 

Its most queer how blind we are

When the darkness isn’t ours

 

And we can edify them in…past-tense

 

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

I speak for me- alone

 

There are times I read or hear people

Being overly inclusive, void permission

Assuming their experience is the same

As yours or mine, without asking a thing

Calling us- “Survivors” …no- not me

Nope, I refuse such a dishonest label

In part, upon the same moral grounds

Slaves refused a name from a master

Master’s that modified them forever

Something being attached to a being

Not of their making, nor their choice

Its an automatic open door for others

To use like an unexpired show ticket

Seeking to traipse through our ordeal

As if entitled, to interrogate our veracity

And all too often victimize us once again

Only to add to our burden of sensitivities

To strip away what God hadn’t intended

They’re pejoratives, plain and simple

Labels are not informative or definements

Of who the person is, or experienced

To impose such a lifelong obligation

Is not only cruel but humiliating inhuman

Besides, the person was rightfully named

For most, their name of origin, authenticity

Stemming from a bloodline of history

Beyond mere fellowship: but familyship

Something one can chose for themselves

On whether they want or not to take pride in

Not a shackle to be looked down upon

Nor pitied as if marked nonredeemable

And in need of share charitable emotions

Or clinical objectified; endless evaluation

Because some self-serving narcissist

Pontificates they can undo the experiences

Heal you by means of their modern science

Only to compound us with more intrusions

And when they all failed…blame the victim

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Aftermath~ They will come:

 

There are those we meet

Who befriend us, our trust

Some join us in fellowship

Others merely following observers

In our chapters- treks our life journey

Some may become more like family

No matter where we are in our life

They will come, most assuredly

They can appear and go unnoticed

Some will stand out by reason

Some will aid to our comfort

Some will aid in our understanding

Some will aid us, unwittingly

Until long after they’ve left

Some leave an indelible marks

Some will leave unrelenting scars

In our every thought, like traps

All this and choices, shape us

Forming our bonds or broken binds

Some of us become stronger, endure

Some of us will become wiser

Still some of us retreat and hide

Recognizing signs of a storm to come

Mitigating chances of damage responsibly

Those who choose to be invective

beyond any playful joking- project

They’re also those who are most unhappy

They want to share in our joys- sorta

Become like we are with others

They want to become permanent

In all that we do, we share willingly

But, they seem to want to sabotage us

So as to sabotage that connection

That tether of unadulterated trust

We so freely gift, offer from our heart

From their passive aggressive behaviors

That first bite from a recoil of vile reaction

Starting from their biased accusations

Cloaked in their defensive opinion

Which they further qualify by evidence

Of your personal interactions with others

Pointing out your flaws, pale judgments

They tend to want to slowly strip you

From yourself, remold your chosen values

Until we’ve mirrored theirs, perfectly

Know now, they will surely come

Count carefully the friends you love~

Entitlement’ in the name of “friendship

Oh! what a most sewn deceitful weave

Its never about being friends, not really

Its about their inner self, unresolved pain

Dripping in bloodied specious rhetoric

Void of discretion, or friendly decorum

They are lead by a dark agenda, unknown

Which is why they’ll victimize…anyone

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Poetic skies

 

Morning’s blushed halo

Has broken over the horizon

Spilling all of its colors

Unlocking dreams for lovers

And I’m still here

Inside this silent darkness

And the first thing that comes to mind

Is me, wondering- if you’re alright?

Is heaven better than we believe?

Funny, I never thought it be like this

After I childishly stole that first kiss

But then again. I never thought

Too much of anything before

I was just living a life that came along

Never thinking anything could go wrong

Before I lost you- what a surprise

I mistook the heaven in your eyes

As a place, I’d always reside

But now, Oh God now you’re gone-

And no ones laughing in love

Especially me, in this lonely sea

Where I keep finding pieces

Of a tragic life, I’ll never get back

Too late to change or make fit right

Lord knows how many times I tried

Nothing I did- really changed anything

And because you’re always present

Inside my meandering thoughts

I just thought again, I’d wait up a bit

And tell you how much I miss you

How much I miss even your touch

More than these tears I cry

More than the angels that hold me

Could ever- reveal in silence

Even if I had to waste a whole night

Staring up at the stars- dreaming

Like we did, nakedly holding hands

Before drifting off to sleep

Between soft spoken whispers

In the promise of each others heart

Now I can lay to dream if but for a day

In the missed warm touch… of you

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Repatriation

 

Nameless ocean

Loves iceberg

Heart shipwrecked

Mast stump

Washed ashore

Unfamiliar landscape

Violent retching

Endless trails

Erratic thumps

Patients leaks

Hunger grows

Head resounds

Darkness lingers

Shadows beret

Laughter echoes

Prayers whispered

Anxiety reins

Confusion ensues

Misdirection ghosts

Thirst expands

Nauseous swallows

Reality settles

Dreams shatter

Misplaced soul

Foreign lands

Seeking repatriation

Once I find the location

Where your heart…lives

 

Poet of the Light © 2019