Disadvantaged

 

By some designed emotional mystic inception

Of what we individually define as love- itself;

Typically had its inchoative spark into our life;

Regardless of however short lived, it might live

Long before our mere conscious dares to fathom

Accepted knowledge of its very fluent presence;

We will always seem to be catching up, mentally

Or feel abandoned by in its unexplainable absence

When it left us, long before we care to…realize it

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Yours

 

I don’t want to be owned

However, in juxtaposition

I want to live love like…I belong

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Shirt-sleeves

 

Mesmerizing everyone with your jokes

As if that’s the only thing they’ll ever know

And remember when it comes to- you

Masking all the parts of you unknown

Until you stared at me a moment too long

Oh how- I- couldn’t help myself then

I came to realize, you innocently let me in

Between all those cracks of your smiles

I could feel in me, your hidden sorrows

And my gentle tears welled with your secret

Cause little did you think I would notice

I saw how you keep all of it silent- close

Like an unfriendly ghost- you somehow own

Bequeathed by those who never accepted you

Whenever the world has finally, left you alone

Oh how- I- know those moments all too well

So afraid to open yourself up and to let go

Too unsure to trust someone, could finally come in

Fill that void of inner hollow with true love

With love, kept reserved from that bitter dark realm

That sent the real you in hiding, just to subsist

Within your hidden whispers- of hope to be found

By someone attentive enough to know us, by our silence

Oh how- I- recognize your smiles…brave performance

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

Magnetism

 

Contrary to realities truth

I know I shouldn’t

But I never listened well

Even as a rebel child

A natural born aberration

I make myself, slip-

As I sip from the abyss

Just one more time

Ignoring my inner voice, for yours

As if- I’ve really no choice

Anticipation heighten moments

As that rush gently takes hold

Until its too sheepishly late

And my mind, vividly convulses

So- cold, all these memories

But I’m acclimating

To the ghost you’ve become

To me, and my dependent heart

So much so- I rarely shiver

When I close my eyes

As feel your moist whispers

Creep across my bare skin

Chase after my erupting emotions

And like a churning kaleidoscope

All my monochrome brokenness

Is colorfully in energetic motion

Feeling healed, feeling loved

A synthetic euphoria steals me

Into the dark hole, desperate fantasy

For a few moments, I feel you… again

Poet of the Light © 2019

Inclement

 

At times, I experience dark storms

That just unexpectedly blow in

From seemingly out of nowhere

Despite a promising dawns break

Which was ushered in, cloudless

 

I do my best as to hunkering down

From experience time has taught

A bit more prepared on each event

Never knowing how long it will last

Unsure if rain or snow will also follow

 

I’ve learned to embrace them in stride

Though there are pain filled moments

Damaged- memories radiating from scars

Pretending to appear healed- to others

For those of us who’ve been really hurt

 

I cling to the belief, love will reclaim me one-day

A love filled with understandment- forgiveness

But still- inside those darker moments, I wonder

Just how my life and lasting love could’ve been

Had I not been altered, become; collateral damage

 

For me,

just living love would truly be…enough

 

Poet of the Light © 2019

In their shadow (excerpt-14)

 

There was something so ominous in the air; even the hair on my arm stood up. Unnaturally I languished for a huge swallow of high value tawny whiskey in a short glass at room temperature and a bar stool with music as part of the ambiance. Something decades earlier in my unsophisticated thinking might have considered, yet I ignored that urge and moved onward. Having quickly deduced it wouldn’t really have that unrefined placebo effect these days not to mention, I didn’t have any.

A few steps into the our bedroom suddenly felt unwelcoming in the moment I found her sitting on the bed, drinking with her head turned away as if she was angry- again. Smoke from her burning cigarette was filling the room heightened the suspense enough to stop me in my tracks. Before I could ask what was going on, her erratic sounds muffled in a broken voice of words as her bloodshot glossy eyes caught my attention. Maybe instinctively they tried to lessened the message I was receiving as my own eyes grew heavy and looked downwardly as if I was just yoked with an overbearing burden. My thoughts were over taken by the resounding pounding of my heart as it thumped faster the more she informed me of her unsavory cheating guilt and ongoing hidden addiction. I’d forgotten what round it was for us on the drug and alcohol issue but the cheating was the most painful. I recall catching myself; pretending to seem astute to all she was saying as I looked through blurring eyes at who resembled my heart unequivocally loved- her. Maybe I was having an out of body experience or it was a failed attempt to retreat to a place I couldn’t find within myself.

Time flew by instantly but in a backwards cacophony of moments, places, events and conversations where my unquestioning trust epitomized what naive love really means and looks like; from a hindsight point of view, where my preferred bias ran interference to what should’ve been obvious back then. I loved her too much to hate her and yet hate was trying to consume me, take control anyways, so I turned it inwardly somehow. I was confused as to who to blame knowing I would accept a portion, but how much? Perhaps it was a last ditch effort to make it seem like the selfless thing to do. I tried vainly to quickly absorb its dark pain as fast as I could, rise above it all as if I was unscathed by it. Hours became days that became lost time in a subsistence realm. So much so I couldn’t see I had become anchored to it all. Little did I realize it was taking me deeper into a more profound vortex sense of uncharted ugliness. Polluting rhyme and reason so as to make my life an out of sync reality, further and further from my cognitive grasp until I was abandoned alone on an island of a new aberrational sense of normalcy. The emotional pain and truth didn’t get worse nor better, so I clung to it, fearfully- like a life preserver. I suppose in many ways it was at the time.

After all this time I’m still unlearned which was worse; the gut wrenching truth or inhuman lies being uttered from those lips that permitted me to believe I could degust bliss from them like an unearned gift. This is what happens when you love, I mean really love someone wholesomely with all your heart and soul. It unmistakably feels polemic to anything resembling the nature of love. Such a love doesn’t selfishly discard any further pain by parachuting from the relationship because fear shouts the plane is going down and now its every heart for themselves; at least not in my little bubble. I suspect its why most people couldn’t begin to even fathom the thought of allowing themselves to dare such an authentic venture into real vulnerability. To risk loosing even yourself through the heart and care of another is logically preposterous, unless you honestly intend for it to last forever, and all without the social safety net of some prenuptial agreement to pretentiously save you from…a haunted heart.

Poet of the Light © 2019

Anamorphic

 

Who’d be the wiser anyways?

 

Brokenness becomes the whole

In a settlement to ones soul

 

The wear and tear of love

Often fray all the feelings

Of a persons dying heart

 

Bleeding hope seeps away

In clear streams of panes

As they slowly- suffocate

On crux of deaths threshold

 

Caring motivation is traded

For a daily numbing substance

In creation of a life of subsistence

 

Its most queer how blind we are

When the darkness isn’t ours

 

And we can edify them in…past-tense

 

 

Poet of the Light © 2019