Guilty

It almost seemed unworldly

I seen you from afar, today

You were luncheon and laughing

And he was loving the moments

Absorbing your every breath

And gleam of your grins

The sunlight danced off your eyes

They way they used to, in mine

Then I saw you suddenly give pause

And slowly looked my way

I could feel your laughter in my heart

Just as I felt your ghostly hand, chill me

And with tears in my blue eyes

I couldn’t tell if you saw me

All I could do is gasp, and tremble

Deep down to my soul

I could bare to watch you walk away, again

To say I still love you

Would be putting it mildly

I know I’m never going to be perfect

But when it comes to loving you

I must admit fully…I’m guilty

Double blind

I don’t know at all

If you can hear me

Where you are

Or what you’re doing

But something inside

Just needs to try- and say

After all this time

I thought I’d tell you, silently

I haven’t been found, yet

Maybe no one is looking?

Maybe I don’t offer enough?

Or maybe yesterdays are interfering?

I really don’t know

Lord knows, how I’ve tried

To fill the gaps, find a life

To find some answers

To all my broken questions

To things I’ll never understand

Like how; something like love

Has to end, so cold and crude

Now its gone and I’m consumed

By everything that was us…and you

Cliché

I drank from a cup of old shadows

Until I got drunk on my own thoughts

Fell somewhere in-between the seconds

Ticking away from a faceless wall clock

I used to collect hours of your touch

Now I only collect specs of fallen dust

As I float like some forgotten whisper

In a dream that only came to me- once

The best of who I was is now a ghost

Meandering in fragments of my hearts home

Following wisps of your imaginary image

Grasping words your breaths no longer breathe

Beneath a slow moving overcast skyline

Waves beat incessantly at shattered…ice

Finish us

It seems in these current days

I don’t have much to say… except

What a wicked game time tends

To cruelly play- in lives of life

Taking away love and happiness

Unlike in your arms, where I felt born again-

Wholly, tempered, finally justified

Where truth and lovers live

All- I can hope now is

You’re better off there than here

We were once so close,

When it comes to closeness

Now reality feels like those

Wide open spaces between us

Where I still dream we’ll run

Someday, so we can live- love

Even though it’s as if

Only my eye sees this falling rain

That has taken over the reins

Of my bleeding cold nights and days

Oh- now I barely feel those cold drops

Drip slowly away through my hands

Where the heat of our passion collapsed

Warming our moist palms, again and again

You know- the enormous amount of pain

It takes for a single teardrop to weep

Is nearly humanly unfathomable but-

Comes all too easily for me, since you’ve gone

Oh- how God and I know just how bad

You’ve let me down- and left to drown

Yet- still I wanna love you, incessantly

That faint sound my heart makes now

Is because of how- you’ve bruised

My soul- so unexpectedly

As that haunting, haunting silence in-between

These heartbeats- is where you’ve carelessly

Broken me, repeatedly- in all my memories

And still- here I am, a wiser fool, Baby

Waiting to love you- ever foolishly again

With all, all that I have…left unbroken with

As the crow flies

Every now and then- eruption

I become moved deep within

As if, you saw and understood

Word by word, all of me, just as I am

You’ve become ripples upon the waters

Rushing to bring me something better

And I mindfully think of it more like winking

In our moment, I seen you, you saw me

You’re that whisper that touches in trills

To awaken the up most surface of my soul

And remind me, you’re always ever present

So I will remember you, and not feel, so alone

I’ll come to the water’s edge of your words

You’re life bestowed, here…upon my heart

Course

Deep within a longing stare

Where my mind and heart slip

I want to feel again- that warmth

Of those gentle moisten whispers

That cascade much like a waterfall

Bask within their visual comfort

As their silky surface caresses

Over the full soul of glistening skin

The way a flame and shadow does

Entangled animated wall flowers

Accompanied by evenings of winter

Creating a silent film made by us

Beneath an umbrella of expelled scents

Everlasting evidence- our love…lived

Made to believe

How do I explain;

How do I reveal the pain;

You’ve caused through me?

At first it was like a carousel

Moving past life in laughter

For first time children- until

We abruptly stopped in hell

To even depict its bitter truth

Would make me more like you

And I rather, remain- myself

Oh God I was better off alone

Better off not knowing

How easy some can pretend

Why’d you do me this way;

Why make us a foolish mistake;

Why did you have to be- you?

Oh you felt like a dream

My heart has longed for

If only, if only- if- only

You knew, how to love…me

Before after

No matter how hard I try

I can’t get past, missing you

It has become all too familiar

Like that moment in time, just before

Everything that matters- changes

The gravity of reality was too much

To bear even for my reluctant tears

And like my heart, they fell, splattered

“I miss you” couldn’t begin to cover

The raw scars left in your place

To accompany those moments

I’ve regrettably have come to hate:

A plethora of moments before

Cruelly subsequence your departure

Before I learned my invincibility

Was found cloaked in your arms

Before I knew your love for me

Could touch so deep- within

Before the taste of your lips

Would become my only hunger

Before the pain that now defines me

Reminds me, I simply can’t endure

Before every bound memory of you

Also binds all happiness I’ve known

Even now my brave tears cling

To the endless redness of my eyes

And like that micro moment before

Dawn blushes color of the next horizon

I feel your cold absence…ever more

Beleaguered

I can feel those fiery-tips rising

Across the scars buried deep within

That returning storm of darkness

Has once again found where I subsist

This is how the past keeps me chained

As I pray for soothing rains instead

How can I ever live;

If all you do is sabotage who I am?

If only I could control the lightning

You use by way of hurtful words

I’d send them back in your direction

But you’d have to feel something, first

I won’t let you make me into your image

Not that you could recognize it…anyways

Blemished windshield

I don’t know and even worse

Fail to understand where I am

Parked at some unfamiliar destination

A quay that endures water crashing

Against its unprotected walls everyday

And now- I’ve added to its weight

Standing here leaning against a railing

As frigid spray of broken waves splash

Into my unaffected staring face

Locked in disappointing thoughts

Too cluttered to make out fully

Any hidden lesson or message

My heart failed to learn before

And I’m so far- from what I believed

Love looked like as an idealistic teen

Never did I think, or give thought

I’d travel in or through so much pain

And my mosaic heart of scars

Never understood that I’d loose

So much of myself along the way

Must’ve been that childish trust

That always rushed to live- love

In every heartbeat I gave away

Bringing me here to this place today

Only to be caught in our last scene

Of living a love denied by destiny

Despite that last shuddering embrace

I still hoped the end would be changed

As I let you slip away from my fingers

And I knew- we’re ending- what was us

Couldn’t we have gentled the moments

And that last kiss; be the one remembered

For all we did, dare to give, to love itself

Because now my broken heart fears it may

Have to last as long as…I do myself

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