Subterraneous

My memoirs won’t be written

At least, not by me personally

Some chapters are too painful

While others: too embarrassing

Few are just far too complicated

You’d had to been there, to live it

To fathom the raw contextualism

In the right light, the right angle

Some pages are improperly funny

If- you have intimate knowledge

To connect the dots, to the pieces

But overall, it’s too heartbreaking

Only a narcissist needs to relive it

When living it once… bore enough

After letters July, 30th

Today came early at three-thirty this morning. I woke with the distinctive need to rise and stare out our bedroom window, catching a falling star as it slowly left my sight. I attributed nothing to its meaning and made coffee in the moonlight. Jasmine permeated the air, chills erupted over my body, and from that moment on, I felt your presence. Despite the dew and brisk breeze, I sat outside on the deck unaffected. It felt like a surreal dream I was pulled into. Unlocking my emotions and memories as they danced with thoughts of you, and I reunited.

I’ve loved France like your fresh Maple frosted donuts and maybe in part due to still pictures and romantic ideals of seeing it one day. Living in a cabin nestled into a mountainside just above a quaint village. Where we’d sip wine, and sunshine on naked afternoon picnics. I suppose that fire still has some embers in my pile of unforgotten dreams. From time to time, I break out my studying material of French and make a little progress as if by some Godly miracle I’ll be sent there. Or find an unmistakable sign you sent me, where I’d find something remarkably you. Perhaps that is what keeps that ember alive? But honestly, it’s become nothing more than a make-believe daydream hiding my curiosity for a visit. With furthering idea to dabble in study of painting with some well-known artist I’d childishly think I met by accident, which only affirms in my heart right now, at this very moment- I’d never go without you and now that you’re absent from my realm, I’d never leave here, our place, short of your coming to deliver me. After all, you’ve become home for my purpose, for my love…and for my soul.

Unorthodoxy

It was as if my soul separated

And without leaving me behind

Or so my emotions still imagine

Yet, that’s where I am, just- left

Left to remember our shared times

Left to wonder of my tomorrows

That I will likely not really notice

Not like I should, or once used to

In the undertones of my own breaths

My thoughts will be tethered to you

Wondering about your thoughts now

Of me, life, and your new everlasting

You brought life to my lost soul

But now- my life feels… so soulless

Concurrence

I fail to fully understand

What is really at play here

I think of you and suddenly

My days blend into one another

I’m not sure if I’ve even slept

Out of the blue, a week passed

It’s like a mind-boggling blur

Getting lost in thoughts of you

Divides me from daily numbing

An ethereal elixir- for my life

Oh, just these little pieces of you

Make such a difference for me

Reinforcing my belief in something

Breathlessly beautiful… rescues me

Should you get lost

I will come on, like early morning

Soft and soothing as an old song

Just before dawn burst wide open

I promise, I will be there waiting

Before your beautiful eyes shine

I’ll bring you your favorite flower

Full bloom greeting when you awaken

While fresh coffee will be brewing

Then I will bring your breakfast

And butter preserves on your toast

As you acclimate all your thoughts

Even if- you’ve forgotten my name

Afterwards, I’ll whisper in your ear

As I slowly brush your greying hair

I’ll remind you of our journey in life

Before and after, our love came to be

And in-between the forgotten answers

I’ll calmly smile as I eagerly reexplain

I will paint your memories back in words

I whisper from the depth of my heart

We’ll talk about those magic mountains

We enjoyed in every refreshing winter

And the colors of fall- befalling changes

In shredded layers of dancing leaves

I will always find you, where you are

Oh, my Love of all things, I promise

I will remind you about your garden

All your beautiful flowers you planted

You called them, children of your soul

We’ll laugh at the stories we made up

Like all those butterflies that visit us

Really being secret angels, in disguise

Serving as ambassadors of all changes

I will escort you on your daily walks

Arm in arm talking steps of time away

Speak about the oceans we swam in

And nightly beaches, we made love on

While the moon hid behind sheer clouds

We will watch the setting of the sun

Every evening in a slow gentle breeze

Sitting in our rocking chairs silently

As if life was our own secret movie

And we played as its only character’s

Tears will swell up inside my old eyes

Whenever I know you recognize- me

And hold me close in tightly forever’s

They way you’ve done so many times

We will continue to live our love true

I promise Love, I’ll watch… over you

Unpacking

Love is an eternal thing for me

Its fruition of divine knowledge

Two people have unlocked, live

You inhale, speak its wonderment

That still inspire heartfelt sonnets

And it defies all sound reason of logic

But can mean a plethora of things

And differently, for so many others

I really couldn’t begin to even fathom

Often, at least to me, too convenient

To claim, as if they’ve won a lottery

Thereby undermine its otherworldliness

Everchanging: a concept of terrific notice

Of which I admit I still grapple with

Cause it can be like a double edge sword

Which in itself, can be very unsettling

But- something in which I am sure of

Is, I still love everyone I ever loved

Despite death, estrangement, or life

Even those, whom I’ve never told

Held close in a crush like heart vault

Most of my pain; is from their loss

Unexpected, uncontrollable changes

And about that diminished access

None of which is easy to readily accept

After two souls melded spiritually

That’s not to say, I wasn’t angered

Not so much at them, the situations

More about the fashion it happened

Then in the happenings of the moments

Deteriorating promises and images

The lessor degree I suddenly mattered

To them and in part also my inner self

And the real unfortunate knowledge

What we had, created- was devoured

Insofar as “we” was now concerned

Which opened the door to move on

To a place of that absolute unknowns

Unwanted, scary, and yet, permanent

At least in small distractive ways

Until the pretending got much easier

Slowly replacing irascible depression

For many, they got extremely angry

Turn their love into malignant revenge

Their life became a dark myopic tunnel

Creating a sickness; one delves into lost

And most can never find their way out

But in truth, I’ll never get over all those

Heartbreaks, they’re my ultimate proof

For me, the love then… still matters now

Not a day goes by,

I don’t feel their absence.

Villain

I’m not scared to be lonely… anymore 
No amount of sorry said will suffice 
Or change the things I did- or didn’t do
With or for someone, maybe even you 
Negligent doesn’t always have a reason
I never wanted or tried to cause any pain
That will always be the absolute truth
At times we don’t know why things- happen
And no one cared to listened heart to heart  
I was simply living life best as I knew 
But I never became the best for anyone
Or so the gossip has now determined
I’ll never know now even for myself 
The innocent time I lost inside of doubts  
In every tear fallen- I cried, and I died 
Just a little bit more over all the years 
Making a river I visit in pure silence 
Knowing inside is an emotional hell alive 
Like my love, it will never end for me 
When I tried talking through my tears
You went quiet, hiding in your stoic self 
Unresolved became my isle of normalcy 
But the most painful lesson I’ve learned 
Water under our bridge was ...only mine 

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Boundless


Oh! how easy it has come for me
Almost like second nature, taking first
To beat emotions with wordy cudgels 
Mentally, senselessly again and again
As if- that individual was a virgin drum
In desperate need of renewed breaking in 
And heightening even more all this mess 
Intoxicating pain served, as my new love 
It’s so much quicker to just hurt myself 
Let me save you from the duty of scaring 
My whole identity and inner self-worth  
Saving you from the burden of … your love 

Poet of the Light © 2021

Opportunity cost

We only miss what matters  
In our life, minds, and hearts 
You knew that when you were here
Almost as if it was your mission 
How I wish I would have listened 
Sometimes I stand amazed 
Beneath the warming sun- rays 
As ocean ripples crash silently 
On shores I’ll never see or reach 
I’m feeling something deep within
Emptiness stays where love touched 
A place I don’t think I even own 
But somehow- I’ve come to know 
I’m realizing just how much I- miss
Those little moments with you 
And all those little things you done
In fashionable ways only you owned 
They brought smiles to me each day
Made a difference most of us overlook 
Misuse of living in the wrong moment   
Now I know, I don’t have a right
To feel so sadly unfulfilled in my life
But life is feeling a little less lived … now 

.
Poet of the Light © 2021

Barrowed

 

Oblivious to nature of the galaxy 
How it toils on without permission
However, we do notice of its presents 
When that infamous tolled bell rings 
If- I hear echoes of the bell tolled 
I know, twas not for I- not this time 
Yet- and none the less I am lessened 
Of whom it tolled in reconciliation
To notably lose an unmet friend 
In a most eerie but secretive silence 
That often can have a chilling effect
I should relax; loosen my tense cringe 
Recollect my lost train of thought, as if
Nothing at all happened… when it did  

.
Poet of the Light © 2021 

Re: Ernest Hemmingway
For whom the bell tolls~

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